Written and produced by: Monicka Ferens
Lyrics by: Monicka Ferens
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Not sure when I began writing this song, the earliest draft I have saved dates Novermber 26th 2023, but I could swear it had started earlier.
The song was inspired by a (luckily) short term, but very toxic acquaintanceship between me and a co-worker from my previous job. We worked as partners and so I had to be around him almost 24/7, with no third party to calm things down when he began belittling me. I'd go through a rollercoaster of emotions in his presence. He's fine, now he's furious, now he's calm, now he's calling ME aggressive. Now he tells me I suck at my job, the next that I was born for it. He loved projecting things onto me, calling me toxic, violent, aggressive, while he was aggressive towards me.
As I re-called that acquaintanceship with him, it reminded me of a swing, of a wave, sinewave. You rarely in the middle, you're always on the extreme opposites of feelings. He loves you, now he hates you. He's excited to be around, he makes you wish you were de*d. That constant and extreme change makes you sick, both literally and figuratively. Worst case scenario, you drown. Even after things are done, you can feel the sickness taking over you even the sea is calm and smooth, because you're not used to peace. You just wait for another wave to hit even in the calmest of days. It never comes, but to you it feels too good to be true. You have to learn that sea can be peaceful and you can feel safe swimming. Even in moments when you start to panic, because it was too quiet for far too long, there's someone to pull you back to the shore, not keep your head underwater.
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Still waters run deep
Find weakness in every creek
No rock was ever strong enough
To tame the power it breeds
I thought I'd handle you
But you refused to face the truth
Your love to me's like a sine wave
I tried to stay calm in the times of storm
And now I'm seasick
I gave you a wrong piece of me
A perfect smoking gun
What felt like an understanding was a trigger
to bring me down
You're as sick as your secret
But pride's too sacred
Another flag soaked in blood
Your screams still ring in my ears
I still taste salt on my lips
Your love to me's like a sine wave
I tried to find shelter but the walls give in
and now I'm seasick
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